WRITE

on not writing and not listening

Why aren’t we ever doing the things we say we want to do?

This is the question my artist friends and I are always asking some version of to each other. We want to do our art. We aren’t doing our art. Why aren’t we doing our art?

Of course, there are so many reasons. Somehow it seems our world has found itself running in a way antithetical to nearly everything that is natural, healthy, and spiritually aligned. But also, more often than we might think, we are the thing blocking ourselves from doing what we want.

In August, I tapped a piece of yellow poster paper next to my bed with five words written out in big all-caps to help me remember my priorities. ART, FUN, OUTSIDE, WRITE, TAROT it says. And guess what I have NOT been doing since then?

WRITE has been on my mind. Because this is something that I have been telling myself for years. I do a lot of different kinds of art but writing has always seemed like the core for me. And yet, it is what I have done the least— both on a regular basis and overall. When I think about the fundamental things I want to do with my life: WRITE is always most of the answer.

Recently a friend and I challenged each other to journal every morning for one week. I did it for one week! And it was great, like it always is.

We challenged each other for a second week. And I did not. In fact, I didn't even notice I hadn’t journaled for about three days at a certain point. And yet WRITE it says big and yellow next to my bed. What do you want to do? WRITE my inner voice answers.

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I have been thinking about this project, Intercessions. Each week for the past several months I say: I want to write a new post! Each therapy session or conversation with an artist friend I say: I want to write a new post! And then, I don’t.

I’ve been digging my way through the blocks. What is the point in writing anything when there are such big, upsetting things happening in the world today? What’s to be said when it’s all being said (and it seems to have no impact)? Can I write about culture, humanity, fashion? Intercessions is supposed to be about nature, do I want to write about nature anymore? Do I have anything to say about nature anymore?

Ironically, although I think communicating about nature, building relationship with nature, and connecting spirituality and nature are key elements to healing the world right now— I haven’t felt like I have much to say or offer in this vein.

When I interrogate myself about this, the reason is this: I feel like my relationship with nature is not the same as when I started this project. The connection doesn’t feel as strong or as clear. I’ve been outside in nature, but it has felt more like we’re two separate entities, like two people in a waiting room, sharing the same space but going about our own business, on separate journeys. When I go out on a walk or sit outside in the sun and the breeze, I’ve felt that compulsion to put on headphones and listen to a podcast, to drown out my own jumbled thoughts and drown out everything else in turn.

She doesn’t have anything to say to me, I say to myself. I haven’t received any messages from nature, I claim.

And as soon as that thought entered my head, as soon as I allowed it to be consciously heard, suddenly: there were the messages.

For what has Nature brought me recently? Only cool autumn mornings, hickory nuts, yellow coreopsis flowers, rain, the crescent moon, the half-moon, hawks & kestrels, early asters, tiny grey fluff caterpillars, a buck with a broken antler, fuzzy triangular burrs, nighthawks, a crushed praying mantis, tall goldenrod, purple thistle, ironweed, and fog.

Just because it hasn’t been received doesn’t mean that it hasn’t been given.